Journaling as Therapy

Journaling is the process of writing about one’s life events and feelings.

It’s a widely recommended self-help tool.

And it costs nothing except a little time from your busy day.


There’s something magical that happens when you put pen to paper. A link is established between your hand and your brain. Thoughts that had been trapped deep inside your subconsciousness come spilling forth. And when they are written down, these thoughts, fears, and even great ideas can truly make a difference in the quality of our daily lives.

Personally, I’ve found that the process of writing in a journal to be highly therapeutic . It amazes me that when I write something down, I am forced to think about what I want to say … and that thought process brings forth many things that I might not have otherwise considered. And because the journal is private (like a diary) I’ve been able to reflect on my deepest feelings and fears.

A side-benefit of keeping a journal is that you will soon have a transcript of your life.  I often look back at my own journals from when Melissa was young and it reminds me of the challenges that we faced—both medically as well as emotionally. I can read about those days long ago when I thought things might never improve … wondering how I would ever survive the challenge.  I can also recall my fears for her life and can now see how my own fears caused me to “awfulize” about her medical condition … imagining that it was worse than it really was.

If you and your spouse are “communication-challenged” then journaling can be a great tool to help you express your inner-most feelings … words that you couldn’t otherwise speak. If you share your journal with your partner, your parents, or your best friend, you’ll be surprised how easy it becomes to talk.  Your journal becomes a conversation-starter.

I don’t think there is a “right” or “wrong” way to journal. The process used will be as unique as the person who does it. It will be challenging at first, but if you stick with it, you’ll soon find your groove.

Here’s some tips that might help you get started.

Forget the Computer – Write in a Book. This might seem strange advice from a blogger to an audience reading on a computer … but I find that there is something special that happens with the written word.  So get a spiral-bond notebook, a pen, write the date at the top of the first stage and you’re on your way.

Pick a Time and Place. We’re all creatures of habit.  Find an ideal time when you can devote 15-20 minutes to journaling.  It might be while having your morning cup of coffee; or just after you put the kids to bed; or maybe before you go to sleep.  Getting into a routine will help you focus and keep going. You might even look forward to that time each day!

Keep Reminders.  When you sit down to write, remembering topics to cover will often be a challenge. Just get a little  notebook and write down words that will help you remember the situation.  That’s what I do for this blog.  And that’s how I came up with today’s topic.

Don’t Quit if You Miss a Day or Two. There is no rule that you have to journal every day.  If you miss a day, so what? This is for you … so do it as often as you can.

Read Your Last Entry Before Writing the Next. I’ve found that re-reading what I previously wrote helps get me“in the mood” to write. It can also help you reflect on what’s happened since then.  Have things improved?  Gotten worse?  Starting where you left off also helps create a continuum of thought, even if it has been weeks since journal entries.

Go Deep—Don’t Hold Back. The journal is for you, so don’t hold back. Don’t worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. Just let go and tell it like it is.

Keeping a journal can be an eye-opening experience. It can also become a family heirloom.  So pick up a pen and start writing.

PEACE

Family Game Night

My wife Kathy and I have played games with Melissa for nearly 20 years. We started by assigning a specific night of the week when we would clear the calendar and devote an hour or two to playing games. Sometimes we played board games. Other times we played more physical games.It wasn’t long before Melissa came to cherish this family time. She could be the center of attention and have fun. If we tried to skip a night, she would let us know that she wasn’t happy about it.

I’ve come to realize that not only were these games entertaining, but they helped Melissa grow and learn in some very important areas.

SOCIAL SKILLS.  Appropriate social behavior is a challenging concept for any child, and seems to be even more difficult for our kids. You can’t rationalize with them. And you can’t be present for every “teachable moment” when you can use their actions to help guide them about what is correct and incorrect behavior. I’ve noticed that game-playing has instilled strong positive social skills in Melissa. Through game-playing, she’s grasped the concepts of turn-taking and following rules—both vital skills for appropriate social behavior.

STRATEGY DEVELOPMENT. Effective game-playing often calls for use of a game strategy. For example, in the game of SORRY, the player sometimes must decide which competitor game piece to send back start … and of course the optimum selection would be the game piece closest to home. While we take this process for granted, it is complex decision-making. After selecting the wrong piece (and losing) Melissa quickly figured out the strategy which she now uses very effectively!

RANDOMNESS and CHANCE. The concept that some things are out of our control is nearly impossible to teach without an example. Game-playing demonstrates this each time you roll of the dice, select a playing card, or spin the spinner. Your child sees that they can’t control the outcome … and must deal with the results.

MOTOR SKILLS. Melissa has issues with both fine and gross motor skills as a result of her medical issues. Moving board game pieces, shuffling cards, and similar actions are a great way to exercise fine motor skill development. Physical games such as shuffleboard, bowling, darts, croquet, and bocce ball can help improve coordination and gross motor skill development.

EMOTIONS. Nobody likes to lose—it’s a disappointment. And we know that life is filled with disappointments. Temper-tantrums are a common reaction to disappointment. Game-playing can help address this issue by demonstrating the appropriate way to handle the disappointment (of losing). By setting a good example of being a “good sport” we offer positive reinforcement and teach appropriate techniques for controlling one’s emotions.

And what about the computer? Melissa has used the computer since she was three years old. At that time, we purchased software for our MAC that used game-playing to reinforce her counting and spelling skills. It worked remarkably well. When the computer is used in this mode, it is a “personal” device and isn’t a substitute for Family Game Night. However, new gaming technology, such as the Wii has expanded computer-based games to include other players … which are better suited to the skill development a parent might seek from game-playing.

Game-playing is an educational experience. It helps develop a competitive nature and desire for winning. And it helps deal with the disappointment of losing. If you aren’t playing games together, I urge you to consider making it a new family ritual.

PEACE

Circle of Friends

Each person develops a circle of friends throughout their lifetime. Friendships are formed through our personal interactions. These may stem from our childhood, our neighborhood, our workplace, our church or from a variety of other sources. We select our friends based on our common value-system, interests and world view. Over time, friends are added and removed from our circle. It is a natural occurrence that we mostly take for granted.


As a parent of a special needs child, we develop a unique circle of friends. Many of our friends are parents of other special-needs children that may be our child’s friend or participate with our child in any number of activities. You might also create a circle of friends surrounding your advocacy for a cause that you care deeply about.

For the past two decades, my wife Kathy and I have developed a number of these circles. Today I would like to address just one … the Special Needs Parent Circle.

Many children with special needs are challenged with social and interpersonal relationships. They have difficulty establishing close and meaningful friendships and often struggle to maintain them. We’ve learned that most of these kids develop friendships through school, sports, or other special activities. And in many cases, the parents of the kids meet one another as they attend these events.

Sometimes that meeting results in a closer friendship among the parents. I’ve found that when you befriend the parent(s) of your child’s friend, a special bond is created. This is probably because you are walking a similar life path. And that commonality lets you share information and anxieties. Unlike your relationships in other circle of friends, these people can relate! And together you can represent a formidable unified voice when school or other issues don’t meet your kid’s needs or your expectations. And you can even share caregiving, providing the other family with much-needed respite. And we’ve found that when the families bond, the underlying friendship of the kids grows ever-stronger.

Sometimes that meeting results in nothing between the parents. There are many reasons why this happens. You may have a dissimilar world view. You may find that these adults don’t share your value system or morals. You may not respect their decision-making or even their parenting style. But whatever the reason, you don’t form a bond. We’ve discovered that when this happens, the underlying friendship of your child and their friend may suffer. It seems clear to me that establishing a circle of friends that includes other special-needs parents adds real value for your child and their social skills development. But there can be a dark side as well.

What if you end a relationship with their friend’s parents? The most challenging element facing special-needs parents who are friends comes if/when that friendship comes to an end. Does it also spell the end of the children’s friendship? I’ve found the answer lies in the manner in which the parents end their friendship. If the friendship ends because the individuals drift apart (new/different interests, moving from the neighborhood, etc) then the kid’s friendship can continue. But if the parents friendship breaks down because of a disagreement, then maintaining the kid’s relationship becomes nearly impossible. And that’s a shame because it isn’t the child’s fault, yet they can lose a good friend in the process! This has happened to us. And while we feel bad about it, it was unavoidable.

Have you developed a circle of friends that includes other special-needs parents? Have you found that these relationships are of value? Have you lost any of those friends? If that happened, what was the impact on the kids?

My hope is that this insight somehow helps you be a better parent and helps you empower your children to build and nurture their own circle of friends.

PEACE

The Cab Ride

Today I offer something a little different — a story that I read a few years ago that makes me search for those special opportunities where I might do something that improves the life of just one person.

The Cab Ride (Author Unknown)

Twenty years ago I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30am, the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute and then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my help, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. “Just a minute” answered a frail, elderly voice.

I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pill-box hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase.

The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the wall, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said.

I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly to the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

“It’s nothing” I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way that I would want my own mother to be treated.”

“Oh, you’re such a good boy,” she replied.

When we got into the cab, she gave me an address and then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?” I replied that it’s not the shortest way. “Oh, I don’t mind,” she said, “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”

I looked into the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. “I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says that I don’t have very long”. I quietly shut off the meter. “What route do you want me to take?” I asked.

For the next two hours we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness—saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now”. We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door.

The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. “How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.

“Nothing” I replied.

“You have to make a living,” she answered. “There are other passengers,” I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent down and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly. “You gave an old woman a moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.” I squeezed her hand and walked into the dim sunlight.

Behind me I heard a door slam shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatiently waiting to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run or had honked once and drove away?

After thinking about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have never done anything more important in my entire life than what i did tonight.

Our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware. May our busy lives never get in the way of a truly “great moment” in the giving of ourselves to others.

PEACE